It's Been Too Long

It seems like forever since I last wrote a blog post. I've been in this sort of daze lately thanks to work. Lots of hours writing boring documents and no time for writing fun things. But tonight I finished my work early (ie, before 11), so thought I'd get a quick post in to catch up.

Pause for momentary barf fest: GAG A MAGGOT. There's a commercial on television with Louisville fans talking about how awesome it was to win the National Championship. Ugh. 

Anyway, the boys are wild men. They can clap their hands. Pull themselves up. Jonas can high-five. Julian can push his walking toy all by himself. They've eaten french fries, macaroni and cheese, chicken, and zucchini fritters in addition to their usual food items. They got their first pair of walking shoes! AND, they went swimming. I figured the dudes would like swimming because they have an absolute blast in the tub, but I sure never expected them to love swimming as much as they did. I am serious when I say they laughed the ENTIRE time we were in the pool. Check out the youtube video if you need proof. Ignore my goofy self splashing around like an idiot (evidently, splashing is hilarious).

Is it just me, or are the people of Covington looking more like the cast of The Walking Dead (the walkers) every damn day? They must've had a rough winter because they are looking haggard, man.

A Tragedy

The other night while I was upstairs rocking the boys to sleep, I had a brilliant idea: I'll make rice krispie treats when I go back downstairs. As soon as the boys were dreaming, I headed for the kitchen. Had my butter melting and took off for the pantry to get my marshmallows. As I was carrying them to the kitchen, I noticed that they were sort of hard. I looked at the best by date and it read May 2012. Immediately my heart shattered. No rice krispie treats. After the hurt, I went to anger. Naturally, Doug was to blame for this. Instead of buying me fresh marshmallows like I asked, I knew he just drug those out of the pantry in an attempt to teach me a lesson about being wasteful. I yell at him for this. Um, yeah, that wasn't what happened. He did buy me "fresh" marshmallows at Kroger. However, Kroger must not have cleaned their dang shelves for the past year because they sold the man some year-old brick-like mallows. I know it was you Latonia Kroger. You broke my heart! You broke my heart!

Last week's recipe: Adella's Dirt Cake.

My friend Adella sent me a recipe that is known as her signature dish. She found the recipe when she was in high school. It was just lying in her seat one day waiting for her, knowing that someday it would be shared with me. 

Ingredients
1 pkg Oreos
2 boxes instant vanilla pudding
1 pkg cream cheese
1 cup powdered sugar
12 oz bowl of Cool Whip
1/2 cup butter
Milk for pudding
Directions per Adella: First, make the instant pudding according to box directions. Second, in the absolute most huge bowl you own combine softened cream cheese, powdered sugar, butter, and Cool Whip. After pudding has set, add it in to the huge bowl. Mix well. In a large pan do 1 layer of crushed Oreos. Start with a layer of Oreos, 1 full row is what I do, then layer on half the mixture, then another layer or Oreos, the other half of your mixture, and top it off with a last layer of Oreos. Let it chill for at least 3 hours, but I like to have 6 just so it's good and cold.

Brother Fights

They were fighting over nothing in particular. Just felt like rumbling, I reckon.

Joe putting Julian in the Figure 4.

Be still, Joe, and let me climb over your face to get to this toy.

Love and Hate

Some things I love. NOTE: Obviously I love my family, friends, UK basketball, and Christmas...but everyone already knows that.

• Corn bread and milk.
• Rocking the dudes to sleep.
• The smell of freshly cut grass.
• Sleep.
• Mommaw's Christmas ornaments.
• Route 44 strawberry limeade.
• Johnny Cash.
• T-shirts.

Some things I hate. NOTE: Obviously I hate war, violence, snakes, mean people, cancer, and Louisville basketball...but everyone already knows that.

• Birds. Especially the ones nesting in my porch roof.
• Root Beer.
• Magazine covers that read, "Be confident in your body: So-and-so's story about struggling with her image." And then it's Mariska Hargitay or Scarlett Johanson. Can it, girls! Ain't nobody got time to hear you talk about how ugly you feel. 
• Celery (and no, I'm not trying it with peanut butter--what did peanut butter ever do to me but be delicious?)
• Work. In any form. (I'm lazy.)
• How catchy those dang tunes are on kids' shows. "Martha was an average dog...."

News?, Banana-less Banana Pudding, and A Tooth

Beetle and Jonas

Am I the only person on the planet who hadn't heard of Jodi Arias? Probably so. Well, never fear. My Grandmother (Beetle) filled me in on the whole ordeal this weekend. You know how she loves Nancy Grace and the HLN channel. I believe I've told you before, but let me say it again, my little Beetle is hilarious. She is also a closet cusser. That is, she likes to say cuss words, but only when she is repeating someone else (she's the best storyteller). Anyway, I've heard her say a few bad words, but never did I ever think I would hear my 81-year-old Grandmother say the words, "anal sex." That's right, people. Evidently, this nutty woman, Jodi Arias, according to Beetle (and therefore Nancy Grace and company) got religion in the midst of her relationship with the poor guy she allegedly murdered. Her religion (through her eyes) told her that the normal horizontal polka was wrong, but the backward horizontal polka? was a-okay, so that's what they did. Good grief! Tell me why again does anyone watch the "news?"

Oh yeah, Beetle also told me that this Jodi was an artist. "What kind of art does she do?" I asked, not that I cared. Beetle said, "Well, one day, she was sitting in court just doodling around, and when she showed what she had drawn, it was a penis."

How do I follow-up the post after writing about that awful mess? 

Let's talk about my latest new recipe: banana pudding. I actually made it for the first time a couple of weeks ago before I started my new recipe challenge, but I made it again this weekend and am counting it. You know, I thought I was weird, but the more I talk to people, the more I see that I am not the only person who thinks banana pudding would be so much better without the bananas. In this pudding, I used: 1 block of cream cheese (beat this first, then add...), 1 box instant vanilla pudding, 3 cups milk, 1 can sweetened condensed milk. Mix all of that, then fold in 1 tub of cool whip. Lastly, layer vanilla wafers, bananas, pudding until you're all out of goodness. Put it in the fridge to chill, then serve. Make sure you make a giant batch of it because once it is gone, your Uncle Bob will not recover. You'll hear, "I sure wish I had some of that banana pudding left. Ain't there anymore in the fridge?"

By the way, Beetle said that Troy Austin's (my Grandpa's brother) favorite dessert was chocolate pudding and vanilla wafers. Mmm. Might have to add that to my repertoire. However, I insist on cooking my chocolate pudding. It has to be warm. 

Tonight as I rocked Julian to sleep, I thought about my future children. I thought maybe I'd like to have the next baby in October, a nice fall month. Then I thought, if I have a baby in October, that basically kills basketball season for me. How am I to attend 20 ballgames at Rupp with a new baby? It wouldn't be possible. 

BROTHER FIGHT UPDATE:

We went to Dwarf this weekend for a visit, and I thought we were actually going to leave Combs Branch without witnessing a brother fight. The boys were so good. They shared! They settled for toys that they didn't have to steal from their brother. It was very impressive. But this morning, it all went to heck. Over an empty kleenex box. You heard me right, friend. An empty kleenex box brought Jonas to tears...or maybe it was Julian's fist to his head that brought Jonas to tears. I was in the kitchen getting breakfast ready, and I hear Uncle Anthony hollering, "Don't kill your brother, man!" And then they crying began. Poor dude. Ant took the box and ripped it in half, and gave a piece to each bro. Kids and boxes. Just like cats.

ALSO...Jonas has a tooth! Today the boys turn 10 months old, and a tooth is finally poking through. Hide ya fingers!

Boy Fights

As you saw from A Story in Pictures (And a Few Captions), my little dudes like to duke it out with each other. I know I probably shouldn't laugh, but it seriously is a hilarious site to see. I have a feeling that I am going to be breaking up fights for the rest of my life. So, in honor of the return of Arrested Development, and because I get such joy out of it, I have decided to start documenting these brother fights. Now, I won't go so far as George Bluth and provoke the dudes, but I sure will laugh and share these moments with you.

May 11, 2013.

The boys started to get a little cranky, which generally means 1 of 3 things: they're hungry, they're sleepy, or they're hungry and sleepy. A good fix to this is a couple of bottles. I went to the kitchen to whip them up a little snack, and as I exited the room, I said, "Boys, I've got to go make your bottle. Try not to kill each other while I'm gone." They didn't. They wanted to wait until I got back so I could watch. I gave each dude his bottle and they kicked back in their boppies and twiddled their hair and tried to catch some zzz's. Well, at least Julian tried. Jonas decided that his bottle didn't suit him, so he pitched it to the side, crawled over to Julian, and politely ripped Julian's bottle from his hands. He then proceeded to sit up and drink the bottle right in front of Jules. What else can a man do but kick the tar out of the bottle thief? Jules began kicking his brother, but Jonas didn't mind. Even when his little body was scooting across the floor as Jules pushed with all of his might.

May 12, 2013.
Julian and his mighty strength picked up the ballcano and dumped it onto his brother. In a fit of

rage, Jonas retaliated by grabbing Julian by the hair and yanking him to the ground. Not to be outdone, Julian then grabbed a handful of Jonas's face and yanked. Crying ensued. I had to swoop in and rescue the babies; quickly resolving all issues by reading, "Cuddles the Cow," their favorite book at the moment.

I'm Cuddles the Cow. I eat straw and hay. I sit on the grass almost all day. My little baby is called a calf. I tickle his nose to make him laugh. (Then I have to tickle their little noses. That's their favorite part--and mine, too!)

Stay tuned for more brother fights!

Cooking to Forget the Bar

Doug's study area in the garage away from me and the dudes.

"Do one thing every day that scares you." --Eleanor Roosevelt

I think this should be my life's motto. What? You think I'm boring and old? I don't live life on the edge, and I am not very dangerous, but, people, I am here to tell you that I've been doing things that scare me for my whole life. 

What about starring in that Dwarf Baptist Church Christmas play? Terrifying! What about camping out in the yard with John Irvin after watching a Nightmare on Elm Street marathon? Frightening! What about taking the ACT? Going to prom? Leaving the holler and heading to the big ole city and University of Ky? Moving to Cincinnati? Getting married? Having babies!! Aaah! All hair-raising events that I have somehow survived/am surviving. 

So, this bar exam...it'll be nothing. It helps that I am not actually the one taking the test, but it will still be a major challenge for me and my little family. I will probably whine a lot and you'll get tired of me, but what else is new? Doug does say that I am an ogre, hopefully I will contain my ogre-like tendencies and be a perfect, supportive wife. I want to avoid the, "You are never around to help me! I am so tired! Aaaah!!" situation. That's why I will be leaning on my friends for companionship and support during this 3-month ordeal. Who wants to come hang with me and the boys?

I am also beginning a new challenge. I am currently reading Julie & Julia and am inspired by Julie

Powell. In this book, Julie writes of her year-long cooking extravaganza: cooking a new recipe (or more than 1 recipe daily). Now, you and I both know I can't do that, but I have decided I'll cook a new recipe a week. This will be my coping mechanism for the bar, and maybe it'll make time pass a little more quickly. At least I might get some good food out of it! Help me out by sending me one or two of your favorite recipes!

I started tonight. I made corn souffle, a recipe from my friend, Tracy. Too bad it was a major flop. Well, it tasted good, but I totally messed up the timing. Everything else on the menu was cooked and ready to eat, but the dadblamed corn souffle was still cooking. It came out of the oven about 15 minutes after everyone was done eating supper. Bummer. 

Here's the recipe:

1 box Jiffy corn muffin mix

8 oz sour cream

1 egg

1 can corn, drained

1 can cream-style corn

Mix all of the above, pour into greased pan, and bake for an hour. 

I hope next week's recipe is a delicious dessert. Any ideas?

Jonas the Messy Eater

Egg Face Jonas

When you have babies, people are always warning you about dirty diapers, sleepless nights, binky dependency. No one ever tells you what a pain it is to feed children. Most people even think it is fun! I used to be one of those people.

They used to open their mouths. Now they have stone lips. They used to sit still. Now they thrash around in their chairs, prop their ole feet up on the trays, and smack their dear mother's hands (and thereby spoonful of food) away from their mouths. Why won't they eat? They are trying to kill me.

Since they are now big boys, they eat "snacks." Gerber makes little puff treats that are basically cereal that melts in your mouth. And since the boys have no teeth, this is an ideal snack. I'll put a few puffers (that's what we call them) on their tray and let them snack while I go about getting their main course prepared. Fast forward a few minutes and I'm feeding the dudes. They take a few bites and begin to squirm. Shortly thereafter, their little hands will disappear as they dig around in their seats. Voila! Jonas pulls out his hand and a long lost puffer is revealed. And shoved directly into his mouth. Now, I know that these high chairs are clean, and that I vacate all "lost puffers" from the premises immediately after each meal, but this fishing around in the crevices of seats for snacks ordeal still makes me a little ill. If they pull this stunt at a restaurant, I will simply die. "Get used to it. They're boys." I know. I know.

Oh, and one last thing about feeding babies--the following chain of events really really sucks: opening a jar of chicken noodle puree (that stuff staaaanks to high heaven); feeding a heaping spoonful to baby; baby sneezes; chicken noodle sprays everywhere; baby wipes mouth thereby getting chicken noodle on hands; baby wipes all over face and hair with chicken noodle covered hand. Now baby has this hairdo.

Styling product? Chicken noodle!

For the record, Julian is just as messy.

The Zoo

On Friday, the boys took their very first trip to the zoo! We had such a wonderful time (save for the long commute there thanks to Cincinnati construction and the trying to fit my large van into a very small parking space)! The zoo babies were out in full force. The cutest, of course, was Gladys the 3-month old gorilla. The coolest part of seeing Gladys was watching her surrogate interact with her. Oh, why can't I be a monkey's mommy for a living? Gladys was born in a zoo in Texas, but her Gorilla Mother rejected her (poor baby), and so now she lives at the Cincinnati zoo where a team of humans don vests of fur and black clothing and teach her the ways of the gorilla, at least  until she is big enough to join the rest of the gorilla crew. Why wasn't I a zoologist?

While we were checking out Gladys and her surrogate mother, Brittany was watching another

extraordinary scene: an elderly lady on a rascal driving literally up a wall. Her rascal was on two wheels as she tried to bypass the Gladys crowd and make her way past the gorillas. I am telling you people, the woman was dead on Dr. Nefario from Despicable Me.

Also, while we're talking about the zoo, can I just ask--what the heck is up with people's zoo attire? Why, I thought a plain ole t-shirt, jeans, sneakers, maybe a Reds ballcap to block the sun would do. No sir. These people are plumb goofy. Belly shirts and hippie skirts (on hippies, so don't get excited fellas). Black lace dresses with pink tights and high heels. And, hand to god, a mint green prom dress. Bewildered.

Moving on...
Doug took his last ever law school final last night and on Saturday he graduates! Woohoo!! Law school is finally over! However, now it's time to study for the bar. So, come visit me anytime starting now through Aug 3, as the boys and I will be all alone, as our beloved Doogie will be non-existent to us (aka holed up in the garage using every "free" minute to study). This should be fun.

I loved this bear. I wanted to snuggle him. That would have
ended badly for me.

Random:
You know what I like? I like that Coke commercial with the hidden camera. You know, the one where they show feed from the security camera of people being nice, fun, loving, happy people. I like that. Watching people sneak a smooch, hug a buddy, dance. We all need more fun in our lives. Yeah, yeah, so big brother is watching us. Whatever. Don't ruin the moment.

A Story in Pictures (And a Few Captions)

Hi, Brother. Let's read together!

Take my book? I'll pull your hair!

I forgive you. Let's read together!

That's my book, punk!

RAAARRRR!

A Lot of Yelling in This One

At Target yesterday, a little girl asked Brit if she could, "Pet the baby." Kids are funny.

Sometimes when I rock the babies to sleep, I also go to sleep.

We have a camera in the nursery. It has night-vision, so we can even check in on them when they're supposed to be snoozing. Julian has 2 bed buddies: Simba and Possum. Sometimes, I forget about Possum. I check in on Jules to see how he's doing, and OH MY GOD! THERE IS A GIANT RAT IN HIS CUBE!!!! Oh wait, it's just ole poss.

Have you ever had to call UPS to check on a package? Thank your lucky stars if you have never had to do it. If you have, or if you have called any customer service number with a robot operator, then, my friend, you have experienced true aggravation at its zenith.

What's the situation? You want to know where the heck your package is and why it has yet to be delivered? Just call customer service and solve your problem!

"Thank you for calling UPS," says the robot, before she gives you a list of 900 options to choose from and SAY whichever satisfies your needs.

"Track a package," you say.

"I'm sorry. Did you say, 'Find a location?'"

Slowly now, "T-r-a-c-k a p-a-c-k-a-g-e."

"I'm sorry. Did you say, 'Get rates and transit times?'"

Starting to get annoyed now, "TRACK A PACKAGE!"

"I'm sorry. Did you say..."

Now you just lose it, "DON'T EVEN FREAKING SAY IT, LADY. I SAID, 'TRACK A [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [EXPLETIVE DELETED] PACKAGE [EXPLETIVE DELETED]!!!! I HATE YOUR [EXPLETIVE DELETED] GUTS. YOU STUPID [EXPLETIVE DELETED] [EXPLETIVE DELETED] ROBOT WOMAN!"

They should have boxers and UFC fighters call UPS before letting them loose in the ring. Let 'em get good and angry at Robot Woman, and then go take out all of that pent up frustration on their opponent. They'll win the match every time. "TRACK A PACKAGE! I'LL RIP YOUR HEAD OFF!"