I Never Thought...

I never thought a hotdog could make me sad, but today, it did. The lunch ladies took the joy out of hotdogs, friends. Everyone knows hotdogs are my favorite. I could eat them daily. But this, this showing was just pathetic. I go down to the lunchroom, all excited for dogs, skip over the salad bar (because who wants weeds for lunch), and make a beeline for the hotdogs. I opened the vat to serve myself a weenie, and children, the lunch ladies might as well had come over and ripped my heart out with their bare hands (they could probably do it, too). I have never been so depressed in my life. Wieners were falling apart in the nasty hotdog water. I still tried it, though. Oh, disappointment. The hotdog was mushy. You didn't even have to chew. It dissolved in your mouth. I just gagged thinking about it. Seriously. Mere words cannot express the sickness and the sadness.

I think I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from the bat episode, even though I didn't really experience it, just slept through it. I keep hearing chirping. I know it's the birds outside, but what if it's another bat, in here!!! And Doogie is in class. Oh good grief, I would just die if that were to happen!

This just in from Dwarf: Beetle has a cellphone!

Flash Gordon, BATSLAYER!

This morning I woke up and things seemed a bit off. First, Douglas did not have a pillowcase on his pillow. Half asleep, I asked him, "Where's your pillowcase?" To which he replied, "Oh, it had something on it." I accepted the answer and went about my business. I got out of bed and made my way to the bathroom, passing my blue fuzzy robe along the way. "Why is my robe in the floor?" I asked myself. It is way too hot for my fuzzy robe; I haven't worn it all weekend. Still, I go about my business like all is well. Finally, I made it downstairs, where I discovered my second bathrobe. Okay, now I started to worry. Either Yoshi is stronger than I think, and has for some reason, pulled both bathrobes off their rightful hook and drug one downstairs, or Dug Bear dresses in my robes and prances around the house at night whilst I sleep and has forgotten to return his getup. Both scenarios seemed highly unlikely, but you never know, I reckon. Anyway, I decided I'd just wait until Doug woke up to question him.

Fast forward about an hour. Doug awakes. "Why is my bathrobe downstairs, and why is the

other one in the floor, and why are you missing a pillowcase?" "Funny story," he says, "last night Flashy saved your life. I was laying here watching Dr. Who and Flash started acting all crazy. He was running around the room, pacing back and forth, acting wild, and ferociously meowing. Then, I heard a chirping, "Chirp chirp chirp." I flipped on the light to see what was the matter. THERE WAS A BAT CIRCLING ABOVE OUR ROOM. 'What's my plan of action,' I thought . 'Should I wake you?' No, that would obviously be a mistake and would only make the situation worse. So, I tried to capture the bat...with your bathrobes. The bat was too quick for the bathrobes, so I resorted to pillows. I swung lightly the first couple of times, but that was getting me nowhere, so I had to get mean about it. I swung hard and hit it. I didn't see where it went, but Flashy was on top of him. I then got....your bathrobe...and wrapped up the bat and took him outside and released him. All this time you were sleeping soundly. You moved once and I thought you were going to wake up. I can only image your horror at awakening to such a scene: me and Flash fighting rabis-ridden winged rats with your bathrobe and a pillow."

I am so glad I am a heavy sleeper. I screamed when Douglas told me this story.

***NOTE: When finding a picture for this blog, I had to google "cartoon bat." I could not handle the real thing, not even in pictures.

Remembering Daisy Duke Cornett

Dwarf, Ky. 26 May 2011-- Daisy Duke Cornett died of natural causes in her home in Dwarf, Kentucky in the early morning hours of May 26, 2011. She is survived by her brother, Barksdale Cornett, and loving human family: parents, Glenn & Anita; 3 brothers, Jonathan, Curtis, and Codar; 2 sisters, Kristi & Brit. Daisy Duke was beloved for many years. She had severe halitosis, yet no one minded her friendly licks. She will be buried at the Cornett Family homestead in Dwarf.

3-Day Weekend

I am excited for the 3-day weekend that is upon us. Here are my plans:

Friday: eat some chicken legs (exciting: try the new Sweet Baby Ray BBQ flavors purchased last weekend), watch some movies, hang with friends

Saturday: sleep in, work on my flowerbeds (not fun, but has to be done, hun), be lazy

Sunday: sleep in, attend a cookout, be lazy

Monday: sleep in, be lazy

Somewhere in the mix, I must begin my practicum project for the summer: working on my family history/stories. Should be interesting. Don't worry, I'll keep it clean, we'll just focus on the Cornett side...no Jones stories, the world is not ready for Jones stories.

Stories...I think I have already told you all the stories I know. I wonder if people ever grow

tired of listening to my silly tales. I know Curtis

and Dilly sure grew tired of listening to my story about the Old Fat Man. Oh, Lord, they used to hate it when it was my turn to tell a story at Mommaw's house. "Old Fat Man, Old Fat Man, what made you so fat?" "Well, I ate a tub of soup beans, a hundred loaves of light bread, and I'll eat you, too, little girl, if I can catch you!" There's just something triumphant about an obese man who is also a cannibal being ultimately taken down by the protagonist family's pet monkey. I mean, come on people, exemplar storytelling!

You Oughta Know

I wish VH1 would've never told me that You Oughta Know by Alanis Morisette was written about Uncle freaking Joey from Full House. This little factoid has ruined the song for me. I was in 6th grade when Jagged Little Pill was released, and my little 12 year old face was rocked off by said album. Then, with a two-minute segment on some "bitter love songs: who are they about" show, this totally awesome, men-are-scumbags, Alanis-is-hardcore song was ruined for me, just like that. Now, everytime I hear it, I think about that goofy [fill in the rest, BG] Joey Gladstone and that dadblamed woodchuck puppet he had. Do you remember that thing? Oh, Alanis, you are so cool. What did you see in Uncle Joey? Why didn't you go for Uncle Jesse? He is clearly the hottest Uncle. And he had a band! Jesse and the Rippers. You could've rocked out together.

4 Things I Love

This list, of course, does not comprise all the things I love, simply, it pays homage to 4 things I hold near and dear to my heart.

1. Macho Man Randy Savage

I was so saddened by the terrible news received yesterday about the ten-time world champion, Macho Man Randy Savage passing. He was one of my favorite rasslers ever, along with the Nature Boy Ric Flair (woooooo!). The world lost a champion. Let's snap into a slim jim and have a moment of silence in remembrance of Macho Man. (RIP Macho Man, we love you!) Did you know he had a rap album released in 2003? Be a Man, complete with a diss song to Hollywood Hulk

Hogan. Epic. Listen to the song, here. Come on, don't be scurd.

2. My new doorbell

I love it, but I have yet to hear it ring. I have had 2 visitors since the installation of the doorbell, but I have somehow managed to not hear the darn thing both instances. I would like to send a

big congratulations to my neighbor and friend down the street, as he was the very first doorbell ringer!! And the second ringer was the Lowe's delivery man, again, I heard nothing. I am thinking I need to get my ears checked.

3. Washer & Dryer

Yes, the Lowe's delivery man came this morning at 9am, despite telling me they would arrive

between 11 and 1. I stayed up late last night playing some intense scrabble games and sipping a captain and coke; I was not prepared to welcome Lowe's at 9am. They called at 7:43 (which, of course, I did not hear). I feel for the poor lad who was stop #1. It was probably still dark out when the movers arrived! Anyhow, despite not having the room completely prepped when they arrived, I was still glad they came early. Doug Bear was still here and able to direct them, while I stood guard over the kitchen door, armed with a squirt bottle, making sure the cats of the House of Bratiatus didn't escape. We had no escapees, but several had their heads lit up with some H2O. But, ultimately, my washer and dryer were delivered and hooked up, and boy are they awesome! I absolutely love them.

4. Nutter Butters

The first Nutter Butter experience I remember was shared with a boy named Carl Everett. He was my daddy's friend's kid. His dad was over, and so Carl Everett tagged along on the visit. We were playing cars and mom brought us some Nutter Butters, and they were delicious. Playing in the background was Bob Dylan (coincidentally, another thing I love), All I

Really Want to Do. What a fine memory! That was when we lived in the blue and white trailer at the end of the bottom (about 3 people will understand that sentence). I bet ole Ringo (brother to Rambo) was even alive then (Ringo was dad's nasty dog/best friend that mom

hated).

The second Nutter Butter experience I remember occurred in 2nd grade. Yes, we had just finished reading Junk Day on Juniper Street, and Ms. Barnett had each student bring a piece of "junk" in and we had ourselves a little junk day. I don't remember what I brought in, but I remember what I "bought." When it was my turn to procure some junk, I opted out of the second-hand toys and got myself 2 Nutter Butter cookies. I reckon, if I remember correctly, my cousin, John Irvin, did the same thing. See, even as a child I was a junk food fiend...choosing cookies over toys.

Groove Shark

So, Doug Bear told me about this new (well, it's new to me, I don't know exactly how new it is to the rest of the world) music playlist downloader dohickey: www.grooveshark.com. It is outstanding. You basically search whatever song you want to listen to, the song pops up, you add it to your playlist, and voila, you're jamming all day long! And it's free! I've been be jamming for the past 2 days. My playlist is quite eclectic: Snoop Dogg to Johnny Cash to Led Zep to Dwight Yoakam to Jon Bon Jovi. So, if you see my bopping around in my cube, it may be the excellent tunage, or it may be that I am just going crazy trying to publish a clinical study report. Either way, probably entertaining for you.

You heard that the world is ending on Saturday, right? Are you ready to go? I sure ain't! Now, let me tell you, if the world ends before I get my new washer and dryer, I am going to be furious. Also, I need to stick around to watch my children grow up and see how their lives pan out. Mr.

Niles is going to be president! He'll have to keep his little bro, Flash Gordon, on a tight chain, though. Flashy is wild. The President doesn't have time to mess with unruly little brothers. Remember Al Gore's son who drove his Prius at 120 mph whilst smoking pot (quite an achievement, eh)? That's what kind of mischief I see Flash Gordon getting into, and there distinguished big brother Mr. Prez will be having to cover up for him or smooth talk around the situation. Maybe Flashy will mature as he gets older. He is a wild one just yet. But see, that's why the world must not end on Saturday. I have to stick around and see my little lads blossom into young men!

Things I heard when I was little...

If a frog pees on you, you'll get a wart.

Liar, liar, pants on fire.

Soup beans, soup beans, good for your heart. The more you eat them, the more you fart. The more you fart, the better you feel. Soup beans, soup beans every meal!

I see London, I see France, I see [insert name here] underpants.

[Insert name here] is so ugly, they had to tie a pork chop around his neck just to get the dogs to play with him.

It's colder than a well digger's ass in here.

It's colder than a witch's titty in a brass bra.

Stubborn as a mule.

If your ears are burning, someone is talking about you.

Nervous as a whore in church.

Crooked as a dog's hind leg.

Lord willin' and the creek don't rise.

If a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his butt on the ground.

Shoot low sheriff, he's a crawlin'

I feel like death warmed over.

Happy as a pig in shit.

Who comes up with this stuff?

A LARGE 4-way

Skyline doesn't mess around.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

I'm Still Alive!

Okay, so it has been a while. What can I say? That's what happens when you have too much school work, work work, and are lazy! But, I am back, and ready to blog. A lot has happened since we last met:

The spring semester finally came to an end. I thought I was going to die before it was over with, but I made it through with the support (or tolerance) of my beautiful husband and my dear

friends. I got all As. Woo-hoo! But, I did miss out on Joey Votto bobblehead night at Great American Ballpark. That was quite unfortunate considering I arranged the gathering, but at least my sweet friend T-Bo (I cannot claim to have come up with that nickname, but I shall use it) obtained a JV bobblehead for me to give to Beetle. Oh! You should have seen her when I brought that bobblehead in. She was so excited. She showed him off to everyone, then put him on her bookshelf next to Bronson. But the best was when she got up to show the family the hitters' rituals performed before hitting the ball. First she did Votto,

then Bruce, then she said, "And I'm not going to show you what Squirrel Head (aka Johnny Gomes) does. That's plumb nasty." What I wouldn't give to have that on video!

I finished watching Justified. Both seasons were outstanding, but the Season 2 finale was dumb, and no one gives a crap about dumb Winona, so they should just go ahead and kill that storyline. Boyd Crowder, on the other hand, is fantastic. Walton Goggins plays the part perfectly. I especially liked scenes when Boyd would preach. I promise you, that really is how a southern baptist preacher preaches. But, I still stand by review that other than the accents and the proclamation of Lexington being the end all be all of "getting out of the holler," everything else is ridiculous. Maybe Dwarf is just a lot calmer than Harlan? Whatever the case, the show is still a must see.

I started reading Game of Thrones and also watching the HBO series based on the novels. So far, so good! Does that make me a mega fantasy dweeb? Oh well, I am already dweeby enough, might as well add another dimension to the dorkiness. Speaking of, I got a kick ass Chewbacca shirt at Target. It says, "A wookie ate my homework." Be jealous.

Doogie has been a mad man since school has let out. He installed a DOORBELL! Finally, after 3 years of living in this house, guests will no longer have to stand at the door wondering if we are

deaf or just ignoring them, for our doorbell actually works now. That being said, everyone who comes to our house is under the impression that the doorbell is broken, so will anyone ever use the new one? The wait is on. After the doorbell, Doogie began working on the ole cat ramp. Yes, you read that correctly, cat ramp. Last summer when tiling the floor in the backroom, Doogie cut a hole in the floor in order to build a ramp down to the basement. At the end of this ramp, he has installed a little area to house the litter boxes. Now, when the kittens have to do their business, they go down to the basement, meaning I (or anyone who frequents the back room) no longer have to look at cat boxes when searching the back fridge for a brewskie. What this also means is that the room is now ready for installation of my very own BRAND NEW WASHER & DRYER! My friends, I laid some money down on Sunday at Lowes, and they'll be delivering my shiny new washer and dryer on Saturday. Hells bells! We are on a roll!

Lastly, it saddens me to report that my vow went out the window shortly after typing the last blog. For dinner tonight, I had a big boy and fries. I am destined to always eat poorly. I just need to accept it. But, I would like to mention that I did finally cook those brussel sprouts, and I actually liked them! So kudos to that!