A Morbid Topic

I hate these a-holes.

I've always believed that I would die at the hands of a vehicle. Maybe I crash, maybe some moron crashes into me, either way, the ending will not be good. Or, even worse, and those of you who know me, saw this one coming: I am murdered by some piece of junk some redneck has loaded into the back of his Jed Clampett truck and secured with a shoestring. The shoestring snaps and his scrap-metal flies through my windshield and rips my head off. Immediate death.

And now you see why I hate to drive.

The death car.

Today, I thought I was going to die at the hands of a vehicle. It wasn't being driven by anyone. It was on the steps going down to my bathroom. Yes, this pointy Matchbox Land Rover was sitting on the second step of five just waiting to destroy me. My children must've set this death trap. Here I go, running down the stairs (which is never a good idea), barefoot (also not a good idea), and feel the pierce of doom. I scream a profanity (sorry, children, but you brought it on yourselves) and hold on to the railing for dear life. Luckily, by the grace of God (because we all know I have no grace), I was able to recover and not bust my rump or head. I live! I live!

The Voice

This morning I drove Doug's car to work (because my car was on empty and he was going to fill it up--isn't he sweet?).

I leave the house pretty early, so it is dark outside. I am a weenie, we all know that. I always have this fear that some creature is going to jump out of the darkness and grab me. I tend to move with the quickness getting into the car. This morning as I approached the garage, I heard a man talking. What? Is? That? I looked around to see if I could spot any dudes lurking around...nothing. As I got closer to the garage, the voice grew louder.

"Bruce Pearl should sue! I like Bruce Pearl, but even if I didn't, I'd still say he should sue the NCAA. They're liars. They've lied so much that their rules are obsolete!"

The voice belonged to Mike Greenberg. Stepping into the empty garage filled with Greeny's voice, the atmosphere was totally creepy. It was like a scene from a scary movie. You know the types...the zombie apocalypse has come, and a group of dudes go into an abandoned home to see if there are any signs of life. Everything is desolate. All you hear is some creepy old record playing on repeat.

There I was. Alone. In the dark. Listening to Greeny repeatedly scream about Bruce Pearl. Frightening.

To make matters worse, it was raining outside. You know what I think of when it is dark, rainy, and I am scared? Dadblamed Unsolved Mysteries. I tell you, I can vividly see that episode now, with that creeper who looked like the Undertaker, standing in the rain, just waiting for that perfect moment to bust into some innocent broad's house to slit her throat. I can hear Robert Stack clear as a bell, "Join me. Perhaps you will be able to help solve a mystery." Uh, no thanks, Mr. Stack. I'm cool. I ain't about to go looking for the Undertaker.

Ugh. Doug needs to put up some flood lights or something. Maybe someday I'll be brave.

Fitness Class, Here I Come!

Don't expect me to show up in an outfit like this.

So, Facebook has this thing where it tells you what your status was 1 year ago today. Well, friends, 1 year ago today, I "wanted a cheese coney." This was preceeded by yesterday's 1 year ago today status of, "Allison Gastright made caramel popcorn." Have I always been obsessed with food? Could be worse, I reckon. But, there is hope yet, children. I have enlisted a few friends and we are embarking on a journey of physical fitness. Monday nights we shall attempt Zumba and Thursday nights we shall attend a beginners' workout class. I will let you know if I survive.

On another note, I have turned into my husband. I am now obsessed with cars. Why? I do not need another unhealthy obsession (and I do not need another car). Why can't I be obsessed with cleaning my house? Or eating vegetables? Or doing my homework?

Speaking of homework...it's that time again. First day of class is tomorrow. Wish me luck! Prepare thyself for a 4-month long period of bitching and moaning from yours truly. Here's to hoping I can pull it off and actually graduate in December!

Update

It's a been while since I've written, don't know what's up with that. Blame it on my laziness, I reckon. But I am back dang it, and here's a rundown of what's been going on lately:

My boyfriend, John Wall

Let's start with the coolest thing that has happened to me in quite some time, a night I will cherish forever. Monday night Doug, Chris (what an awesome first trip to Rupp for him!), and I made a trip to Rupp Arena for some basketball action. Former UK players who are now in the NBA played against a Calipari-coached Dominican Nationals Team. OH MY GOD, it was so totally mind-blowing. I got all teary eyed when they did the starting line-up. First, of course, they announced the line-up for the Dominican team--hysterical. The crowd booed former U of L players Garcia and Sosa so badly; it was incredibly, hilariously awesome. Then, they (well, we) gave the same treatment to a former Florida player (Horford). That punk had the audacity to do a gator chomp back at us; oddly enough, I think he got a little respect for that. Oh, and then Eloy Vargas (current UK player who played for the Dominican) got the loudest ovation he'll ever receive in his life (we'll be crying when Cal puts him in the game during the regular season...dude isn't a great ballplayer...of course, that's what I thought about Jorts going into the beginning of last season and we all know what a tremendous senior season he had).

After announcing the Dominican team, it was time for the Pros. The lights went down, the spot lights came on, the speakers were blasting the "let's get fired up" music, and the fireworks were booming (yes, there were fireworks inside Rupp Arena). Oh, so cool! Eric Bledsoe! Keith Bogans! Nazr Mohammed! TAYSHAUN  PRINCE! RAJON RONDO! DeMarcus Cousins! My boyfriend, John Wall! Jodie Meeks! Oh my dear God did I scream my head off. It was epic, children. My words cannot describe what an awesome night that was. Doug and I smiled from ear to ear, simply beaming with joy, as were the other 24,000+ fans. Superb night of basketball in AUGUST.

Monday wasn't all thrills, though. This day also brought pain to my beautiful Betty Blue and my little heart. Because I was leaving early that day to go to Rupp, I came into work very early. I got there around 6:45. It was still dark out on the drive in, and that is why I didn't see whatever it was I run over (it wasn't a human or an animal, I checked for blood, and the sound it made wasn't the sound I think a body would make when it hit a car). Anyway, it was metal or hard plastic of some sort. I ran over it, and it whipped up and hit my driver's side door. Left a nice ding and a scratch. Well, I was thoroughly depressed about it. Doug Bear took it to a few shops and figured it's gonna run me about $600 to get fixed. Now, isn't that just the worst feeling in the entire world...spend that kind of money on something that was fine the day before. Ugh. I could've bought something cool with that cash. *Sigh...

Doug, disregard the John Wall comment.
Know that I love you and you need to buy me this
for Christmas.

Oh, and speaking of cars, don't tell Betty Blue, but I want an Infiniti G37. I told Doogie to buy it for me for Christmas, but I have my doubts that it will actually show up in the driveway with one of those big bows on it. You know, cause me and Doug are so rich that I can afford to just go buy a new car. BUT, someday, I will buy a new car, and it might just be an Infiniti G37 (practical family car--an automatic, which is definitely a requirement for my new ride, and AWD, good in the snow).

Random thought...every time I am writing a report at work and I create an in-text figure and it happens to be Figure 4, I think of The Nature Boy Rick Flair.

So, I started a healthy eating kick again. Let's see how long this one lasts. Oh, but tonight I had a bacon cheeseburger for dinner, so maybe I've already screwed up, BUT, I had fiber Eggo waffles and a banana for breakfast (yay) and a PB&J sammich (multigrain bread and reduced fat PB with just a little tiny bit of blackberry jam) and fruit for lunch (yay again). So, I'm proud of myself. However, I would like to say to hell with Dairy Queen who, on this month where I have decided to eat health, has made NUTTER BUTTER blizzards the blizzard of the month. Heartless bastards.

Lastly, there are a TON of movies out that I want to see. Who's gonna go with me? Crazy, Stupid, Love. Fright Night. Conan. One Day. Let's go to AMC, people!

Happy Blogiversary!

Today is the 1-year anniversary of my blog. I can't believe it. One year! Time flies when you're writing about the goofy stuff that happens in your life. On my very first blog, I had a picture of baby Flash, so it is only fitting that this blog have a toddler picture of Flashy. My, how he's grown. But really, the baby Flash picture from last year is misleading, because at that point, the child was already 1 year old. I guess I just posted that picture because it was the cutest one I had on my pomcuter (as Dilly used to call it).

Dilly got a new ride! Look out, citizens of Dwarf, Dilly is on the loose. He is driving a stick shift. I hope he is better at it than I was when I first got my car. Good Lord. Remember when I peeled rubbed through the McDonald's drive-thru? Oh, I bet they thought I was a nut. See, the drive-thru was on the tiniest incline...yet, it was enough of an incline to make me spin my wheels and peel out. How embarrasing! It was on the way to the damn pick-up window, so I still had to face the people. If I hadn't of paid, I would've just left. First gear on an incline, gotta love a stick shift.

Speaking of new cars and stick shifts, wouldn't it be grand to own an automatic? I've been thinking about it lately. Perhaps Doug's obsession with cars has rubbed off on me. I just can't find it in my heart to get rid of Betty Blue, though. She is so perfect...tell me again, why did I get a stick shift when I bought her? She has seat warmers, 6-disc CD player, sunroof, tinted windows, leather seats, she is the perfect shade of blue, oh yeah, and she's ALL MINE! Completely paid for. I guess I'll just keep the ole gal. Maybe someday I'll have an automatic. And maybe it'll look like this: