You Need to Work on Your Delivery

Okay, so sometimes I can be a little dramatic, and the manner in which I deliver news can cause people unnecessary stress. Well...I'm working on it, but change is hard.

Episode 1: Credit Fiasco

This pic has nothing to do with the story, but it's awesome.

When I was in college, I had a credit card. Now, it's a known fact that I have old timers, thus causing me to frequently forget things I should remember. You see where this is going, right? I was delinquent on a payment one month. (Mind you, the credit limit on this card was probably like $150 and I had only charged groceries, so my bill was a whopping $30.) Anyhow, I paid off this credit card shortly thereafter; years passed; and life went on. Then, for some reason, I started thinking about this delinquency I had 6 years ago. I worried about it. I thought, "I'll never be able to get a loan again, especially in this economy." Nevermind the fact that I had bought a brand new car a few years prior (yet still after my neglectful behavior) and had been approved for that loan without incident. I worried that I had destroyed Doug's life (now that I was married to him, my atrocious credit would be his, just like on the Free Credit Report Dot Com commercial). For 2 days I worried myself sick, literally. Then I decided to come clean.
Me: (sobbing) Doug, I need to tell you something. I've done something awful. I've ruined out marriage. You'll never be able to love me again! I'm so sorry!
Doug: (probably freaking out thinking I'd killed somebody or had gotten myself another man or god knows what) Calm down. Stop crying. What is it?
Me: When I was in college, I charged $30 worth of groceries on a credit card because I didn't have any money and then I forgot to pay my biiiiiiill! I was delinquent one month! (hysterical sobs ensue)
Doug: (probably thinking I am going to kill your dumb butt for giving me a heart attack) What?! What are you even talking about?
Me: (still in tears and doing that horrible deep breath thing you do when you cry so hard and can't even talk because of it) I was delinquent! I've ruined your life. We'll never be able to get another loan. What if we have to fix something on the hoooouuuusssee!!!
Doug: [paraphrased] You are mental.

Episode 2: Accident in the Garage
I had a migraine for 2 days. It was one of those migraines that involves the room spinning, the lights blinding, and your lunch returning from the pits of hell. I was so sick I had to leave work early and get home. On the way home, I contemplated pulling off the road to avoid ralphing in my car, correction, in Doug's car. (I had borrowed Doogie's ride that day.)
Doug: (calling on his way to class): Hi, wife. How are you?
Me: I feel so awful. I had a bad accident in the garage.
Doug: (probably freaking out thinking I'd rammed his car through the garage door) What did you do?
Me: (embarrassed) I had a bad headache that caused me to ralph and I didn't make it out of the garage before I exploded.
Doug: [paraphrased] You are mental.

Episode 3: Major Leakage

Last night after class, Doogie (aka the best husband in the world) took me to Smashburger (yes, it was 9 o'clock and I was eating a 10000000 calorie meal, sue me). I made my selection and Douglas ordered while I ran to the little girl's room. Whilst in the restroom, I looked around for a hook from which to hang my purse. No such device was available. "Ha!" says I, "I'll just set my purse on the sink while I do my business." I commence to go about my business when all of a sudden my purse falls into the sink. The sink has one of those dadblamed automatic faucets! Water starts pouring from the faucet onto my cloth purse. I can't do anything about it, I'm mid urination! Oh Christ! My phone! My glorious phone! It is going to be destroyed. Finally, after what seemed like the world's longest wiz, I was able to run to my purse. OMGoodness. It was soaked to the bone! I picked it up and water went everywhere. Then I carried it all over the restroom; I don't know why I carried it all over the restroom. Why do I do the things I do? This could only happen to me! So, I try to save my phone (it was not even in my purse, but in my pocket), and then I start ringing out my purse. Finally, it is not leaking water anymore, so I figure I'll go on outside. I take a look at the bathroom. I have destroyed it. Water everywhere. It looks like an elephant went wee-wee in the middle of the joint. I tried to sop up some of the mess with paper towels, but those dumb things are so thin and cheap that I was just making matters worse. So, I took my wet purse and headed out. Somebody had to be alerted as to the state of that bathroom. Here it was damn near closing time and I had destroyed the place.
Me: Excuse me, ma'am.
Smashburger employee: (probably pissed because I called her ma'am, why did I call her ma'am?) Yes?
Me: I am sorry, but I have made a colossal mess in your bathroom.
Smashburger employee: (probably thinking, great, this dumb broad has ralphed all over the place and I have to go clean it up. I get paid $7.25 an hour. I hate this hag.) That's okay, honey.
Me: (yes, I really did explain the whole situation) You see, there was no hook in the bathroom, so I sat my purse on the sink.....
Smashburger employee: [paraphrased] You are mental.
SIDENOTE: That mushroom and swiss smashburger was AWESOME!