Beetle Meets a Bear

When we were in Dwarf last weekend, Mommaw told me a story about her run-in with a bear.

It was December, and as she always does, Mommaw had decked the halls for Christmas! This included lights on the outside of the house. This year she had purchased herself one of those neat laser light projectors, and had received several compliments on the display.

After realizing she hadn't even checked out the lights herself, Beetle, who was home alone at the time, headed out the door at 10 pm to do just that.

[Sometimes, after supper, scraps are dumped out into the ditch. Foxes have been known to come get a snack from time to time.]

Well, Mommaw was checking out her lights, and as she was walking inside, she saw a creature in the ditch eating. She thought it was a big dog, so she hollered at it. The dog looked up. But, it wasn't a dog, it was a bear!

Just about that time, Bob came driving up the driveway, and the bear took off up the hill.

"Well, after that, I went inside and looked up on my iPad what you're supposed to do when you come face to face with a bear. You're supposed to be really still and not make any sudden movements. And you gotta make yourself look as big as you can."--Mommaw 

[Mommaw is about 4' 11''.]

"Is that what you did?" --Curt

"What do you think? I about tore my toenails off trying to get back in the house!"--Mommaw

[Scraps are no longer being dumped in the ditch.]

Going Under the Knife

Well, folks, this weekend in Dwarf, Kate's best buddy Tiger went under the knife. Luckily, his surgeon was the greatest seamstress to ever live, Mommaw Alice.

As you can tell from the photo below, poor ole Tiger was a little thin in the neck area. His neck could not support the weight of his head.

Mommaw Alice to the rescue! Just a little slit in the back and add some fluff.

Kate helped stuff him!

Now he's even more squeezable!

The Birds

For Thanksgiving, the boys, Doug, and I headed on down to Dwarf. It's always such a fun time being home and hanging with my family. We have a good time visiting with each other, telling stories, and eating lots of food. And laughing. We love to laugh.

This past weekend was no exception.

We were sitting in the living room watching Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds while the rest of America was watching football. The room was full of about 6 or 7 family members.

It was at that part in the movie where the birds were starting to come into Lydia's house via pecking through the windows.

My Uncle pipes up, "Boys, he just stuck his pecker through that window!"

Well, you can imagine how we all roared with laughter over that one.

We recovered, the movie played on, and directly, the birds moved from coming through the window to coming through the doors!

What follows almost put us all in stitches. 

Mommaw says, "Boys, they've got some hard peckers!"

Cookies and Pancakes and Pizza and Pretzels and Caramel Apples and...

Julian's cookies.

Do you know what it means to be "down in the back?" Neither did Doug. Sometimes I wonder how there are still phrases I say that he does not understand. We've been together for a million years, I would reckon that I've said every Dwarf saying there is to say. Evidently not. Just remember, if a hillbilly ever says to you, "I'm down in my back." That means he/she has a backache. Doug's aunt is currently down in her back.

I love coming home from work. Not only do I get to flip the bird to the ole workplace for the evening, but I am always greeted by 2 very happy little dudes. Sometimes they even greet me with some sugar! Now, sugar in this sense means love and affection. Oh, it is the sweetest! Little baby hugs and kisses are the best. Today, however, I was literally greeted with sugar. I hadn't no more walked through the door when ole Jules came running in my direction...carrying a package of cookies! I had to (temporarily) break his heart and deny him his chocolate brownie cookie. He settled for a graham cracker bunny. You have to eat supper before you get the good stuff, man!

Mmm chocolate brownie cookie. I would give my left arm for one of those babies. (I'm keeping my

It will be mine. Oh yes, it will be mine.

right. I'd be utterly useless without it.) But alas! I am on a diet. Aren't I always? Anywho, I am 1 pound away from pancakes, people! That's right. Get excited! One more pound will bring my total weight loss to 10 lbs, and I shall celebrate with a gloriously gluttonous day. Frisch's pancakes, Mellow Mushroom pretzels and pizza, and a nice big caramel apple from Sweet Tooth Chocolates. Most girls dream about squeezing into that little black dress. The eternal fat kid, I dream about food.

2 Quick Things

Sometimes I catch myself reciting children's books, you know, the way normal people get a song from the radio stuck in their head. I'll just be driving to work, cooking supper, or running the sweeper, and will be thinking,  "Rhino Chef has burnt the buns and out of the kitchen he must run..." It's a sickness, people.

So, we were sitting in the living room today visiting with family. I'm not even sure what the topic of conversation was. Maybe it was when we were talking about the royal baby (and how Mommaw thinks it's only going to weigh 5 lbs since Kate "ain't big as nothing"). At any rate, I decided to make a joke. "Oh, I guess I should tell you, I'm pregnant again." Crickets. Crickets. Crickets. I look around the room and everyone's face looks as if they have just seen a ghost. "Just kidding!" I say, baffled that they thought I was serious. I was cracking up the whole time!  "You liked to have given me a heart attack!" Says the lady (Beetle) with 5 children, all close in age.

Spring is Here (Beware: Explicit Content)

Spring is here and the weather is warm. This was reaffirmed today as I drove home from work. Crossed that lovely blue suspension bridge, and was dumped out right in the midst of the classiest street in CVG. What to my wondering eyes should appear, but some skinny, nasty, ugly dudes shirtless. Put your shirt on Covington! Good grief. I hope those dodo brains got caught in the rain storm without their shirts; they could use the free bath!

That reminds me, one day last week, I was driving home and guess what I saw: a middle-aged toothless woman with permed red hair dribbling a basketball down the road and smokin' a cig. Sometimes I think I am still in Hazard. Though, Hazard still has one on us, folks: The Hamburger Whore. That's right. Evidently there's some broad who hangs outside the McDonald's in Hazard and will give you a thrill for a Mac-donald's hamburger. What is the world coming to, people?

Christmas in Dwarf: Part 2

Christmas 2012 in Dwarf was a great time. 

Jonas slept in until 9 this morning. When he woke up, he hung out with Uncle Anthony.

After hang-time, Uncle Ant made some delicious deviled eggs. I can't believe deviled eggs aren't on everyone's Christmas dinner menu. Get with it, people, these things rule! 

Check out Jules on his T-Rex.

Opening all of those presents, being held by all of those cousins, uncles, aunts, and grandmas, and jamming to Bob Dylan's Christmas album with Uncle Bob really gets to a guy.

And this guy, too.

Luckily, they still slept all the ride home. Then, when we got home, Joe Bear performed a new trick: pulling off his sock and sticking it in his mouth! 

Julian was not impressed.

Christmas in Dwarf: Part 1

We made it to Dwarf on Thursday night, just in time to beat the snow. When we woke up Friday morning, Christmastime had arrived! Snow, snow, snow! So happy to be at home in southeast Kentucky with family and snow. We spent our first couple of nights with Boomer and Jbird. We got a visit from Ron & Bonnie (Jbird's parents), who showered the boys with lots of Christmas goodies, including the smash hit--Peek-A-Boo Teddy. Here's Julian bonding with his Aunt Boomer. He was in Heaven (and so was she).

We went to visit Great-Grandma Beetle, who was making gingerbread (my favorite). She sure is awesome. One of these days, my gingerbread will taste like hers...well, probably not, but I can dream.

 While Beetle made gingerbread, Jonas stuck his fist in his mouth! My boy's got talent!

We exchanged Christmas gifts on Christmas Eve Eve Eve. I think Jbird liked his present.

And Jules dug his new footwear: BEAR PAWS!

He also thoroughly enjoyed hanging out with Grammy by the nice, warm fireplace and Christmas tree.

 And then it was nap time: Julian snoozed while visions of sugar-plums danced through his head.

Dwarf Picture #2

This morning, I was awoken by the lovely aroma of fresh green beans cookin'. Sure, it was 8 o'clock on a Saturday, which is generally against my religion, but I had to get up, you see. I had to go check on the Beetle and make sure she didn't need any help. Well, got up and went to hang with the family. Had me a bowl of Mommaw's famous soup for breakfast. Hearty! I had to scrape the pot to get one bowl. The soup was made last night, but no one told me! Aut was trying to keep it all for himself. The jerk. Anyway, after my breakfast of champions, I sat around and watched everyone cook (I offered to help...I tasted the deviled eggs to make sure they were perfect). 10 o'clock rolled around, and everyone headed down to Homeplace to get ready for the George Washington Cornett reunion. Everyone but me and Aut, who decided to stop by the Wildcat Warehouse in route to Lee's Famous Recipe to meet and greet DeAndre "The Mind Freak" Liggins. We stood in line for about 20 minutes. Oh, and whilst in line, I received a text message from an unknown caller that read, "My boyfriend is out of town this weekend, you still interested in me?" Nice!

Finally got up there to DeAndre. Beetle had ripped off this little piece of paper with which I was supposed to get DeAndre's signature for her. "Tell him your little old Mommaw was too tired from cooking all morning and couldn't come over, but she sure thinks he's a good ball player and wants his autograph." So, instead of the little sheet of paper, I bought Beetle a $10 picture of the boy and got him to sign it, "To Beetle." And he did!! How awesome. I told him it was for my Mommaw. :) To borrow a few lines from Codar, "Why is UK basketball so magical?"

Dwarf picture 1

"Guys, I think we have enough beans to feed all of Perry county." ~Beetle

In Dwarf, breakin' beans like it's my job. Wish Papaw was here to break them...the whole mess would've been done in 10 minutes. He was a bean growin', bean pickin', and bean eatin' professional.

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We're off to see the Beetle, the Wonderful Beetle of Dwarf!

13 days until I'm vacationing in sunny Dwarf! Woo-hoo! So excited. I cannot wait to hang with the Beetle. It is going to be so much fun. What are we going to do? Hit her favorite hot spots: Pizza Hut, Wal-Mart, JC Penney. Oh yeah! It's going to be awesome. She'll show me all of her crafts. We'll look at the flood damage. And hopefully Barksdale will not die while I am there. I don't know if I'll be able to handle the mourning of the entire Cornett bunch when the dog goes to Heaven. My mother called me last night and said that Beetle thought Barks was a goner last night. Poor ole feller. He'll probably outlive us all. It'll be a sad day in D-town when Barksy is pushing up daisies.

It feels amazing outside! I am hanging on the hammock, you know how I do, and I never want to leave! Can't it feel like this year round (with the exception of the week of Christmas; it has to snow the week of Christmas). You know, it's only 183 days til Christmas. I bought the first Christmas present yesterday morning. The present probably won't last til Christmas. I'll give it to the rightful owner sooner than that, I bet. That's the only drawback to buying presents early--you always want to give them to the recipient immediately. Oh well, Christmas is 183 days away, we should be more focused on HALLOWEEN, which is only 127 days away. I have already picked out my costume, have you? You better be at the Halloween Party! I'm talking to YOU!

Oh, and before I forget, last night, we went over to Carol's pool to check out her night blooming cereus. It only blooms for one night of the year. Pretty cool!

Remembering Daisy Duke Cornett

Dwarf, Ky. 26 May 2011-- Daisy Duke Cornett died of natural causes in her home in Dwarf, Kentucky in the early morning hours of May 26, 2011. She is survived by her brother, Barksdale Cornett, and loving human family: parents, Glenn & Anita; 3 brothers, Jonathan, Curtis, and Codar; 2 sisters, Kristi & Brit. Daisy Duke was beloved for many years. She had severe halitosis, yet no one minded her friendly licks. She will be buried at the Cornett Family homestead in Dwarf.