Things Fall Apart

The Bear Named Joe.

On Sunday, I went to see a play (Sylvia) starring my homie, Tasha (as Sylvia, a dog)! She was fabulous in this show--there was singing, comedy, and lots of strong language. Now, as you know, I am not in the least bit offended by cuss words, hell, I have even been known to say a few in the heat of the moment. However, one thing that does make me uncomfortable is watching shows laden with adult content with old people (gives me flashbacks of when Beetle asked me what the "C---" word was; if it's up to me, Mommaw, you will never know!). Mommaws and Papaws ought not be saying bad words or laughing at dirty jokes. Well, children, let me tell you...my friends and I were the youngest people in the audience, everyone else (50+) were senior citizens, and they were CRACKING UP! I thought this old dude in front of me was going to keel over when Sylvia (aka TBo) called a cat an effer. And you should have heard the roar of the elderly crowd when Sylvia was in heat and met up with ole Bowser. Hysterical. Old people are so wild.

Anywho, while I was at the show, Doogie was at home with the boys. He even got to feed them (his favorite). Four hours later, I returned home and went to scoop up my babies to smother them with kisses. Jonas had something on his eyebrow. It was squash. "This kid has squash on his eyebrow. Why didn't you wipe his face off?" "I didn't notice it til we were at Target." He took my poor child out in public with squash eyebrows. "I forgot the blue bag." Also known as the diaper bag. What would've happened if one of them had had a Brown Saturday episode? "Things fall apart quickly when Dad is in charge." 

Oh, so, Jules can totally crawl now (yippee...I think). Joe still army crawls, but he is a fast army

Precious.

crawler. They get into everything they can. They fight, constantly. It is impossible to dress them. They've found a "new toy" at bath time. They hold hands when in their high chairs. They smile and laugh at each other, and also check with each other when something funny happens to see if the other laughs. They are starting to eat table foods, despite having no teeth (they even had some oyster crackers and shredded cheese at Skyline)!  And, they are basically the cutest, most awesome dudes ever to live.

They're gonna be 1 in less than 3 months. That blows my mind. I have been perusing the interwebs for cool party ideas (because, you know, they completely know what is going on and will definitely remember their 1st birthday party). At any rate, I got this bright idea that I could get dinosaur board books for party favors (of course the party will be dinosaur themed). So, off to google I go. A book pops up and I think I have hit the mother load! SHAKESPEARASAURUS! Are you serious?! A Shakespeare inspired dinosaur book?! This definitely has to be purchased for my children!!! I click on the thumbnail to take a better gander at the book I am mere seconds away from purchasing in mass quantities and my hopes are dashed. SHAPEASAURUS. A dumb book about shapes. Son of a!

Brothers fighting.

Brothers playing.

Spring is Here (Beware: Explicit Content)

Spring is here and the weather is warm. This was reaffirmed today as I drove home from work. Crossed that lovely blue suspension bridge, and was dumped out right in the midst of the classiest street in CVG. What to my wondering eyes should appear, but some skinny, nasty, ugly dudes shirtless. Put your shirt on Covington! Good grief. I hope those dodo brains got caught in the rain storm without their shirts; they could use the free bath!

That reminds me, one day last week, I was driving home and guess what I saw: a middle-aged toothless woman with permed red hair dribbling a basketball down the road and smokin' a cig. Sometimes I think I am still in Hazard. Though, Hazard still has one on us, folks: The Hamburger Whore. That's right. Evidently there's some broad who hangs outside the McDonald's in Hazard and will give you a thrill for a Mac-donald's hamburger. What is the world coming to, people?

Where the heck have you been?

Gertrude the Gray.

I am Michael Bolton. Not the mullet sporting soft rock ballad singer. The little dorky dude with a love for gangster rap from Office Space. I realized this yesterday while I was cruising down the road in my hardcore Honda Odyssey listening to Easy E. I didn't turn the volume down at any time, but a friend suggested that maybe I should. Whatever. I know nothing in life but to be legit.

Minivan? Oh yeah. I'm rolling in Gertrude the Gray. An 8-passenger hoss! Don't hate.

Speaking of hate. I'm about to puke my brains out knowing that the Louisville Cardinals are playing in the national title game and my beloved Wildcats didn't even make the tournament. Just checked the score and the dirty birds are down by 12. That cheers me up a bit. "Let's keep the title in Kentucky," they say. Not me. I hate Louisville. I shall never cheer for them. Ever. Hate.

The other day I was at the chiropractor and there was a little dude in the office and he had the following conversation with his mother.

Little Dude: Mom, what's wiener?
Mother: What?
Little Dude: Is wiener a boy name or a girl name. I heard someone called wiener at school today.
Mother: Wiener really isn't a name, honey.

I look forward to having these conversations with my guys. Of course, they'll probably be the kids calling somebody a wiener.

We were shopping for car seats a couple weeks ago. I was pushing the stroller and singing to the boys. "Welcome to our learning farm..." The cashier followed up with, "We have lots to show you." Evidently that V-tech sit-to-stand learning walker is a big hit with lots of babies.