The Good Book

Little Alice with her great grandsons.

When Alice Taulbee was a little girl, she was scrawny. I mean, really tiny. So much so that her nickname was "Little Alice." Her small stature made her an easy target for bullies.

There was one group of kids who always teased her. When they were at school, they'd taunt Little Alice and tell her, "We'll get you on Sunday."

This caused Alice much distress, so she consulted with her big brother Bud, who, unlike Alice, was anything but tiny (in fact, he weighed 13 lbs when he was born).

"Bud, these kids at school say they are going to beat me up. What should I do? The Good Book says you're not supposed to fight." said Alice.

"The Good Book says you don't fight unless someone hits you first. Then, you pour it on them!" Bud replied.

The Past 4 Months

Week 1

Month 1

Month 2

Month 3

Month 4

Today

Playing Santa

One of my favorite ornaments.

Secret Santa has begun at work! So much fun! I love sneaking around cube land, spying to see if my Secret Santa is at his/her desk, and leaving a little package of goodness for him/her to find upon returning. It is even more enjoyable when you know that your Secret Santa will LOVE what you purchase...even the little things. Ah, Christmas, could you be any cooler?

So, my tree is up and I have decorated it with all of my wonderful Beetle ornaments. That's right, about 98% of the ornaments on my tree were made by my talented, lovely Grandmother. I don't know if you know this, but she's pretty spectacular. Also on my tree are a couple "first Christmas" ornaments for my little dudes. They are going to love Christmas as much as their mommy, and I think (if it is possible) that I am going to love Christmas even more now that I get to share it with them! I have already completely enjoyed terrorizing them by adorning them with Santa suits and pajamas with reindeer footies. So flipping precious!

Kick Off Your Sunday Shoes

This morning I thought, "I wonder if anyone would notice if I wore my slippers to work." Then, my mind somehow traveled back in time to 1994 because I found myself singing the tune for ribbon dancers in the shower. "Ribbon dancer, writing on the wall. Ribbon dancer, up and let it fall. Ribbon dancer, having so much fun. Ribbon dancer, gotta get one!" My mind then went to the skip-it. Remember that ole thing? Oh, the early 90s and its crappy toys. Isn't it weird how your mind jumps from one thing to the next? Even when the topics aren't related at all.

Last night I had another vampire dream. People, I am not even watching True Blood at the moment. I think this vampire dream was brought on by an email I received from Netflix. "Dear Doug, Season 4 of Being Human (UK Version) is now available on instant streaming." That made me think of Mitchell the vampire, which evidently caused me to have nightmares. In this dream, my good friend TBo and I were out roaming the streets of Wallace Woods in the wee hours of the morning. We were in costume for some reason. I was dressed as Wonder Woman and all I can remember of TBo's costume was that she had on gold pants and purple rain boots. Anyway, we were dancing down Wallace Avenue when this group of hipsters came passing by. They wanted to dance and sing with us. They were vampires, and they thought we were vampires because of our dancing (yes, I realize this makes no sense).

TBo and I danced on over to my house when we realized that the hipsters we had just met were vampires. Then, we started freaking out because we thought they were going to find out that we were indeed human. We knew they would know we were human because we didn't smell like vampires and because our eyes were not yellow (who knows where this came from). We were scared so we told Doug what had transpired. Doug turned all Reverend Shaw Moore on us and said that we were going to get eaten by the vampires because it was God's will since dancing is a sin only punishable by death (by vampire).

Footloose meets True Blood. I wish you could record dreams, I could make a fortune on the goofy-going-ons in my head.

Superhero

This question was posed at work: if you could have 5 superhero/superhuman traits, what would they be? Here are my chosen 5:

1. The ability to snap my fingers and have any desired food in front of me.
2. Jedi/Alex Mack mind powers.
3. Flying powers, but I don't want wings, unless they are retractable like Wolverine claws.
4. Wolverine claws.
5. Super strength like Artie, THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD! Except actually strong.

My Morning Commute

Annoyance #1: Alarm clock does not go off.  Remedy: Jonas hollering for food.
First, the alarm clock did not go off because today is Tuesday and I do not work on Tuesdays. Except today. I had to work today because Friday is a company vacation day, which I do not get because I am part-time. So, already it sucked having to leave my babies and go to work.

He even has a half pink, half grey nose like BC!

Annoyance #2: 93.3. Remedy: Nirvana.
Got out to the garage and fired up ole Ruby Red. My radio was already blasting Christmas jams. However, in an attempt to drive me mad before Christmas, 93.3 was playing The Little Stupid Drummer Boy. Have I mentioned that I hate that song? I popped it over to the other station playing Christmas music, but it was country. I hate country. Well, I hate new country. (You know I love Dwight Yoakam.) So, after the second station failed me, I decided to see what was in my CD player. Nirvana! Excellent. A perfect soundtrack to my now annoyed mood. I cranked up Smells Like Teen Spirit, the first track on Nevermind, and during my headbanging and air-drumming, I realized I didn't actually know the words to that song. What the hell is he saying? I just googled the lyrics. What a dumb song! Oh well, I rocked out to it anyhow, singing words that sounded close to the actual words Mr. Cobain was a singing. (FYI--I do that a lot.)

Annoyance #3: Turd-sniffing honkers. Remedy: Shouting a string of colorful words.
So, I was jamming to Nirvana cruising down the road, when behold, a school bus in front of me makes a stop to pick up a child. Naturally, I stop, because, you know, a small child is crossing the road. Not to mention the bus's STOP sign, oh, and the rules of the road. Well, the jerk behind me evidently did not know the law about braking for children. He honked at me repeatedly. What is wrong with people?

Annoyance #4: Parked car on the street where cars aren't allowed to park. Remedy: Flipping the bird. At an empty car.
This particular empty car, illegally parked on the street, made me miss the yellow light and have to sit through another cycle of light changes. Ugh. Like any sane driver, I flipped it the bird and told it (yes, the car) to go to hell. Then, I laughed out loud at this because it made me immediately think of my Uncle Bob. He told Douglas about how he hates careless drivers on the road, and how he often flips them the bird and yells profanities their way. I can just picture him getting all tore up and screaming at people. If you only knew him.

You know, that was an interesting morning commute. I bet folks who were passing me by were cracking up at me. I was hollering, flipping the bird, headbanging, air-drumming, singing. Have to entertain yourself somehow, I reckon.

Cute

When we are out with the boys, we get stopped a lot. I mean A LOT. "Oh, look at that! There are 2 of them? Are they twins? They are so precious." I eat it up. I beam with joy and swell with pride each and every time someone brags on my beauties. Today was no different...well, it was different in that it was super cute. Most of the time, the folks commenting on the babes are adults. This time, it was a little girl no more than 3. She was sitting in the booth behind us at McAlister's Deli. She tapped me on the shoulder and whispered (her Mom had already told her to hush because the babies were sleeping), "I love that baby!" You should have seen her face when she realized that there was a second baby. "You have 2 babies? Can I have 1?"

Inside the Actor's Studio

Today in sports: So, my Wildcats lost last night...to Duke. Ugh, anybody but Duke...or Louisville. Oh well! I've got to remind myself that these  boys are just freshmen and that NO ONE on the team has ever started a game until this season. My Cats may have lost last night, but let me tell you, I am pumped to see what is in store this season. Alex Poythress is what we call a BEAST. I am ready for him to dominate! Nine more games and a little over a month to get ready for Louisville. Come on, boys! Can't take a loss to Puke and Louisville in the same season.

On to the news...

I am FINISHED with my Christmas shopping. Oh yeah! I have the rest of the holiday season only to worry about decking the halls, trimming the tree (Doogie--you should trim the tree with some decorations bought at Tiffany), and wrapping presents. Julian, Jonas, and I spent a few hours yesterday getting the last of our Christmas gifts purchased. Love that Amazon.com! Christmas is so spectacular. I can't wait to watch everyone open their gifts. I hope they love everything!

Speaking of Christmas, I've about had it with 93.3. They play the crappiest Christmas music ever. How can you make "Gloria in Excelsis Deo" into a techno song? And why, as a radio DJ, would you promote such garbage? And what is their obsession with "The Little Drummer Boy?" They play every version known to man. It doesn't matter at what time I'm in the car or for how long, it will play. The only thing I like about that song, is when I hear it, I think about the SNL skit with Mary Katherine Gallagher SUPERSTAR! and Whitney Houston. Oh, MKG was one of my all-time favorite SNL characters. I wouldn't have necessarily given her a feature film of her own, but she was hysterical. Molly Shannon knows how to do comedy.

Work and stuff...

I have some hilarious co-workers. Sometimes, I get overwhelmed with my work and think to myself, "WTH am I doing?" But other times, I am so thankful to be at a place where I am surrounded by such awesome people (there are plenty of a-holes, too, but I try not to associate with them). We are a bunch that loves to laugh, and most of the time, that means laughing at each other. Today it was mentioned that we should have our own The Office-like reality show. OMG. People would watch it and laugh, but think that it was complete fiction. I wonder what the Nielsen ratings would be after the "Scraper Hand" episode (see CSI: Cubicle Land).

If we were actors in a series, and were invited to hang out with James Lipton on Inside the Actor's Studio, what would our answers be to his famous questionnaire? Here are the questions (and my answers). What would you answer?

1.  What is your favorite word? Love.
2. What is your least favorite work? Prissy. And my Mother used to call me Miss Prissy and it makes me cringe thinking about it. I can still hear her saying it. Awful.
3. What turns you on? Sweet gestures. Including little blue boxes from Tiffany (do you see a theme, Doug?).
4. What turns you off? Onion breath.
5. What sound or noise do you love? Laughter. Especially baby giggles.
6. What sound or noise do you hate? The alarm clock.
7. What is your favorite curse (we say "cuss" in southeast Ky) word? Shit. It works for all kinds of situations. Though, in an attempt to not say such words, my use of "poop" has sky-rocketed.
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Rock star, despite my inability to sing or play a musical instrument. I have the spirit of a rock star, though. Oh, and I always wanted to write for SNL. When I was in grade school and high school, I used to write skits and send them to Lorne Michaels and Adam Sandler. Guess they didn't find them funny.
9. What profession would you not like to do? Other than my own? Ha! Umm, politician!
10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates? Welcome Home!

What?

Doug Really Is Funny...Sometimes

Today, Doogie and I were looking at the new pictures of our boys. We were discussing how beautiful they are, and how other babies pale in comparison. We saw a picture of a baby online, and we pulled the picture of our babies up on the screen to do a side-by-side. Then Doogie says, "Don't do that. It's not even fair to the other baby. It's like putting a double-cheeseburger next to a turd and asking which you'd prefer." Hilarious. I guess you could say we are pretty proud of our little dudes. They are quite handsome and super suave.

While we are talking about the little dudes, let me tell you something cool: I can now leave the boys alone in their pack-and-play, and they entertain each other. At least for a few minutes. I love watching them look at each other, talk to each other, and smile. So precious!

The Day Eddie Vedder Broke My Heart

This morning, extreme happiness was built up inside me, only to be knocked down again shortly thereafter. So, I was cruising down Greenup, rocking out to 93.3, which is currently playing all Christmas tunes, when behold, "Is that? Is that? Eddie Vedder singing 'O Come All Ye Faithful'?" Spectacular! It was a rocking tune, where the artist didn't screw up the original beat of the song, nor did they ad-lib a bunch of "ooohhs" to it. It was just a straight up church hymn meets rock and roll. And it was Eddie Vedder. I knew it was Eddie Vedder. Yes, I found it a little odd that Pearl Jam would be singing about the birth of the Lord. And I found it a little odd that I could understand every word. But dammit, it was awesome.

Then. Then, I arrived to work and I immediately googled "Pearl Jam and O Come All Ye Faithful." Nothing came up. I switched my search terms to "Pearl Jam and Christmas." Now I was directed to their Wikipedia page where "Holiday Singles" were listed. Heartbreakingly tragic: holiday singles were just singles released around the holidays. They weren't Christmas tunes at all. In fact, there was an anti-Christmas tune, 'Don't Believe in Christmas.' Oh, my heart! A dagger! Eddie Vedder, I love thee, and yet, you hurt me like this.

I wonder who that was singing 'O Come All Ye Faithful' this morning. And NO, Douglas. It was NOT Twisted Sister.

Not All Was Lost

I came away from the trip to Target with more than a bruised nose, I got lots of Christmas joy in the form of PRESENTS. I can't believe there are only 43 days til Christmas and I still haven't gotten my shopping done (and I have no clue what to buy some people). Yesterday, I at least got a few more gifts and can cross a few nice kids off of Santa's list. I didn't end up buying that Yahtzee game that punched my face, but I was able to score some delightful goodies that I think will make some little girls and boys quite happy. Also, whilst browsing the toy section, Douglas found about 549 dinosaurs, dragons, and ogres that he wanted to buy Jules and Joe Bear. "These would go perfectly with their castles!" I'm thinking Doug is going to have a great time with Christmases down the road.

Loot for the Children's Home

In case you haven't heard, I am taking up donations for the Children's Home by my house. If you want to donate, they want Wal-Mart and Target giftcards of $10-15, and small $1-10 gifts appropriate for ages 1 to 14. Email me, and I will let you know all the details including how to get me your stuff. Check out all of the loot I purchased yesterday for the drive! I hope my small contribution makes some little feller happy. I know that when I was a little gal, my family was often the beneficiary of charitable donations. Why, one of the best Christmas gifts I ever received came to me compliments of the Fisty Fire Department (a Joey McIntyre doll)!

I googled "Joey McIntyre Barbie" to get an image to add to my post, and this came up. A picture of a naked Joey doll with an MC Hammer doll. 

Is that a promise ring on Joey's finger?

Do you remember the Jordan Knight doll? It even had his sick rat-tail. I never had a Jordan doll, but if I would've, I would've cut his rat-tail off. Why was that ever cool? It even sounds horrible. Rat-tail. The things people do to themselves. There was this kid in grade school who always had a rat-tail. And it was curly. The rest of his head, he buzzed off, then he had this curly rat-tail. Looked more like a squirrel-tail. He was such a goofy looking kid. I can't remember his name; he was a year ahead of me. His face would turn beet red when he laughed and veins would bulge from the side of his neck. Strange character. Of course, he could've been a good kid. I didn't take the time to get to know him. Couldn't get past that squirrel-tail, I suppose.

Jordan Knight and his skanky rat-tail.

Things That Happen to Me

The bridge of my nose is red and puffy. There was a vicious assault at Target today. I was brutally attacked by a Yahtzee Jr. Disney Princesses board game. And that wasn't the worst of it. I almost cried because it hurt so bad, but I couldn't because some dumb kid came over there and was all, "You scared me [about 5 games fell on me in this process]!" Then, the little weirdo said, "I have a squirrel." And she did. She had this dumb squirrel toy that moved when you pushed a button.

Today I noticed that when I get mad or when Douglas annoys me, I growl like Mr. Niles. At first, it started as a joke, but now, I do it regularly. And I thought squirrel girl was a weirdo.

I take my wedding rings off as soon as I get home from work. I put them in my jewelry box; however, I put them in the earring section of my jewelry box. Every damn morning, I go to get my wedding rings and I cannot find them. I have a panic attack. "DOUG! Oh my God, DOUG! I can't find my rings!!! Wake up! I can't find my rings!! Wait, never mind. They're in with my earrings." Every damn morning.

New Developments

Jonas rolled over (intentionally) for the first time this morning! What a big boy I have! I'm sure his brosky will be rolling over, too, in just a matter of time. These two goomers are going to be out of control in just a short while. What will I ever do when they become mobile?

Other new developments include:

• Sticking out their tongues...constantly.
• Sticking their fists in their mouths.
• Doing raspberries (so says Carol; I have yet to witness this).
• Holding their toys.
• Sticking everything they can hold in their mouths.

Developing nerds: This morning, I returned to the bedroom after showering to find the boys, who were left under the supervision of their dad, watching Dr. Who. 

One More Thing

One more thing about Election Day...Paul Ryan is creepy. Doug told me to google him lifting weights. Is that for real? Ick!  When it comes to Number 2s, you gotta go with Joe. He is so lovable. You know who Joe reminds me of? Frank from Everybody Loves Raymond. That is high praise. Frank made the show!! Would you rather want a skeevy little weasel or a cool, crotchety grandpa? I say Frank Barone all the way!

Election Day

Jonas and Julian

On election day 2012, brothers Julian and Jonas finally started to notice each other. Now, they've smacked each other, slept next to each other, and, I think, generally knew the other existed, but today, they really interacted. I put them in their pack-n-play and went off to the kitchen to make their second breakfast. When I came back, I poked my head inside the door to spy on them. They were gazing at each other, smiling. I could hear them chatting to each other, too. It was probably one of the cutest things I've ever seen in my life. Doogie and I have anxiously been awaiting this day since they were born. We want the little brothers to love each other and be best friends, so this was the first sign of them bonding, and it made us super ecstatic. I can't wait to watch them grow together being the best of buds. Cute little goomers! I love my little boys!

Bacon

So, I am still packing around an extra 20 lbs thanks to those 2 little dudes I had back in July (and all those burritos, 3-ways, and Big Boys I ate whilst preggers), and I am getting sick of it. So sick that I have decided to go on a diet (again). This go around, I am trying Carol's caveman diet. I'm not going to be as crazy..er...strict as Carol (i.e., I'll still eat crap from a can and pink slime hamburger meat from Kroger [I can't afford Whole Foods, people!]), but I am following her lead on banning bread, pasta, (all wheat products, really), and hydrogenated oils (or foods cooked in hydrogenated oils, rather). I told Carol I was going caveman, and she brought me some caveman bacon. This bacon, she exclaimed proudly, was free of antibiotics, nitrates, and something else, I can't remember. Let me tell you what else it was free of---taste! Whatever drugs they feed them pigs on those over-crowded farms sure makes the piggies taste good. I tell ya, I had some bacon from Sam's the other day and it was about 10 times better than that Whole Foods jazz. Pump my pigs full of whatever you want, as long as they taste good when I fry them up with my eggs.

Well, now I am on a quest for some good bacon. So, I call upon my good friend and foodie, Tyler. He naturally recommends a wesbite where I can order some good homegrown, home-cured (on the farm since 1840) bacon. I ordered maple bacon, hickory smoked bacon, and Cajun bacon. And because I am Luther's daughter, I also ordered some beef sticks and cheese. I will let you know the verdict. I am confident that this will be some good stuff.

Playing

Playing is exhausting.

CSI: Cubicle Land

Scraper Hand is on the loose.

You wouldn't understand no matter how hard I tried to explain.

Junk and the Election, Which is Junk

Junk is good. You should always have junk in your house. Not to the point where you should be featured on a TLC show or anything, but a good amount of junk is necessary. My house, well, I think I may have mentioned this to you before, but I am a Grade 1 hoarder, so my house has a lot of junk (invaluable stuff, man, LAY OFF). I’ll tell you 2 stories which should be reason enough for keeping junk around the house.

1.       Junk Hunts

When my cousin Curt and I were little, we’d go spend the night at my Aunt Kathy’s house. There were 3 things (this post has a lot of counting…today’s post is brought to you by the number 3 and the letter J) that we loved about going to Aunt Kathy’s: a challenging game of cootie or pass the pigs, the hot tub, and junk hunts. On these junk hunts, we’d each start off with a shoe box. We’d go to every room of Aunt Kathy’s house, plunder through every drawer, and uncover lots of treasure! It was glorious. A simple mallard duck whatnot? No says I! It is a boat for a troll! Aunt Kathy’s junk became our prized possessions.

2.       Junk Day on Juniper Street

This was a story we read in Miss Barnett’s second grade class. I don’t really remember anything about the story other than there was a great big yard sale at some point. Everyone brought their junk out and set up shop on Juniper Street. After reading the story, our class had its own junk day. Everyone was to bring in some crap toy from home, and then we’d have a sale (with fake money). I came to the yard sale with an unwanted, crappy hand puppet. I left with 2 nutter butters. Yes, that’s right. In addition to the junk, Miss Barnett was also selling Nutter Butters. You better believe I bought myself 2 of those!

So, the moral of the story, kids, is that junk can bring happiness to little dudes and can also score you some Nutter Butters. Tell that to your husband when he asks you if you really need another set of mixing bowls from Sam’s.

NPR reminded me this morning that 12 years ago after the election was over, we still didn’t know who the next president was going to be. Lord God, please do not let that happen this year. I do not know if I can handle much more political coverage. Please, oh please, let everyone on the east coast get power back and be able to vote. Don’t let this circus drag out any longer.

I remember Pappaw’s prayer before Thanksgiving dinner 12 years ago. He prayed for our country, and that the right man for the job (i.e., Al Gore) would ultimately win the election. He droned on and on about it for what seemed like an eternity. At this point, everyone’s heads were up and eyes were open. We were just looking around the room at each other trying not to laugh. Finally, he ended the prayer and looked up. Mommaw said sharply, “We asked for a prayer, not a history lesson.” Beetle rules.

25 Things and 15 Albums

Today at work we were talking about "get to know you" surveys. Erin asked if we remembered the 25 Things survey (I guess it's not really a survey. I don't know what you call it) that went around on Facebook a few years ago. Well, I remember, and I found mine. Enjoy.

25 Things (posted January 28, 2009) and still accurate with the exception of #23. I'm proud to say that I can now make a mean batch of Mommaw's soup. Go me!

Rules: Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.

(To do this, go to “notes” under tabs on your profile page, paste these instructions in the body of the note, type your 25 random things, tag 25 people (in the right hand corner of the app) then click publish.)

1. this will be the 46th 25 things Eller reads.
2. i recently discovered that i like coffee.
3. i love patrick patterson.
4. i want to write a book, but i am too lazy and only write a page a month
5. i have my dad's hands, and they're ugly. thanks, dad.
6. my feet are even worse.
7. as of late, i am obsessed with sex and the city. mr. big is a dreamboat.
8. i say "reckon"
9. on a similar note, i've been out of hazard for 7 years and still sound like i live in the head of a holler
10. i have absolutely no sense of direction
11. i like to tell stories about my crazy family, even though people probably think im demented for telling them.
12. i wish boomer and mommaw lived with me.
13. i hate when people type texting gibberish to me. for example, LOL,"u" instead of "you," etc.
14. i think girl scout cookies take too damn long to come in after you order them.
15. i like collecting t-shirts.
16. my favorite book is The World According to Garp.
17. i get annoyed when people compare barack obama to abe lincoln. i like obama, but give me a break.
18. i could listen to bob dylan nonstop for the rest of my life and never grow tired of it.
20. i have strange dreams, and i talk in my sleep.
21. one of my fondest college memories is when eller said that a certain geek took the f-ing cake, and we both literally fell to the ground laughing.
22. i like going on road trips with doogie.
23. for the life of me, i cannot make soup.
24. i often wonder why weezer has to suck so much when they used to be so cool.
25. uk basketball is not good for my health.

As a bonus, here are 15 albums that changed my world (posted September 20, 2010)

1. Another Side of Bob Dylan
2. Highway 61 Revisited- Bob
3. The Blue Album- Weezer
4. Pinkerton- Weezer
5. The Freewheelin' Bob Dylan
6. A Night at the Opera- Queen
7. Blood Sugar Sex Magik- Red Hot Chili Peppers
8. Jagged Little Pill- Alanis Morisette
9. Slippery When Wet- Jon Bon Jovi
10. Are you Experienced- The Jimi Hendrix Experience
11. Led Zeppelin IV
12. Paranoid- Black Sabbath
13. Abbey Road- The Beatles (or The Bugs, as my little bro used to call them)
14. Chronicle, Vol 1- Creedance Clearwater Revival
15. At Folsom Prison