A Lot of Screaming

I refuse to add photos of snakes.

Yesterday morning I awoke around 8 o'clock. I went to the bathroom to get ready for the day. I grabbed my toothbrush and walked out, brushing my teeth, to find my clothes. I went back into the bathroom and began picking up dirty towels to take downstairs to wash. I picked up one towel. And there it was. There it was! There it was!! Just looking at me.

 A SNAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

People, there was a snake in my second floor bathroom (in my bedroom). I freaked the (expletive deleted) out! I screamed bloody murder. I am sure the whole neighborhood heard me. I screamed and covered my ears and closed my eyes and shook my head and screamed some more. Poor Doug jumped out of the bed. "What's the matter?!" THERE IS A SNAKE IN THE BATHROOM!!!!!!!! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! THERE IS A SNAKE IN THE BATHROOM!!!!!! Mass hysteria ensued. I cried, I screamed, I cried some more. I felt something crawling on my stomach from within my shirt and clawed at my skin (it was nothing but my crazed brain at work). I saw something crawling out from under the bed (again, nothing but delirious imaginations). I screamed when Doug looked at me and asked for the hamper bag to transport the snake in downstairs. I screamed when he walked by me with the snake bag. I cried some more, and I screamed a few more times. I declared that we were selling the house. "We can't sell? Fine. It has to go up in flames! How can I live like this? What if it had slithered into the boys' room and eaten my children? We have got to move.  We need to move now."

After about 20 minutes of intense manic fits, and Doug continually saying, "Allison, you need to

calm down," I finally calmed down enough to go get the boys out of their beds and take them downstairs.

I was greeted downstairs by my jerk of a cousin, Codar, who laughed and mocked me. When I

"A bat, a snake, what's next? A possum?" Why would
you ask such things, Omie?

asked Doug what he had done with that evil serpent, he said, "I gave it to Cody." I knew then and there that Mr. Nature let that stupid thing live.Why did he not kill it? "Oh, Allison. It was just a little garter snake. It's harmless." (By the way, I just had to google "garter snake" because to me, it always sounds like people are saying, "gardener snake," and I had to confirm the name before I posted. Anyway, I had to see the image of that spawn of satan on my computer screen and it just about sent me into fits again.)

Carol came over a bit later. She also laughed. "You're not very in tune with nature."

Carol is 100% correct. To quote the great philosopher, Kurt Cobain, "Nature is a whore." Nature sucks and so does her evil creatures. I didn't think snakes got in your house when you lived in the city. Criminently! 

People, I hate snakes (more than Indiana Jones hates snakes). I hate them the most when they are in my house. I hate them the mostest when they are in my house, in my bedroom, in my second floor bathroom. How in sam hill did that creature get in there? I am going to stop right there, folks. We are not going to analyze it anymore. It happened and it is over. We must move on and never discuss this topic again. I am going to be ill!

The wild day didn't end there!!!!!!

No, sir. Let me tell you what else happened. I was downstairs watching my beautiful, innocent babies playing on their iPads. Yes, it is true, I hate the iPads, but I am t-minus 5 weeks away from giving birth and do not have as much energy as I usually have, thus, iPad usage has increased over this past week. Anyway, the boys have some very nifty games on those suckers, and you would be amazed at how skillful they already are. Little tech geniuses like their Dad. 

So, they're on the couch playing Endless Alphabet (one of their favorite games) having a good ole time. Then I hear a song/muttering that I do not recognize. I go over and snatch the iPad from Jonas. Guess what he's watching. Two chicks in the shower together. X-rated business, folks. My son's mind is already corrupt. He had used his little precious toddler finger to navigate over to the Netflix app, open up Orange is the New Black, and watch himself some naked ladies. Lord have mercy! Parental controls commence!