Blue Blooded

Check out this representation of Tayshaun Prince drawn by my little brother some years ago. It still hangs on my Mommaw's fridge.

You Need to Work on Your Delivery

Okay, so sometimes I can be a little dramatic, and the manner in which I deliver news can cause people unnecessary stress. Well...I'm working on it, but change is hard.

Episode 1: Credit Fiasco

This pic has nothing to do with the story, but it's awesome.

When I was in college, I had a credit card. Now, it's a known fact that I have old timers, thus causing me to frequently forget things I should remember. You see where this is going, right? I was delinquent on a payment one month. (Mind you, the credit limit on this card was probably like $150 and I had only charged groceries, so my bill was a whopping $30.) Anyhow, I paid off this credit card shortly thereafter; years passed; and life went on. Then, for some reason, I started thinking about this delinquency I had 6 years ago. I worried about it. I thought, "I'll never be able to get a loan again, especially in this economy." Nevermind the fact that I had bought a brand new car a few years prior (yet still after my neglectful behavior) and had been approved for that loan without incident. I worried that I had destroyed Doug's life (now that I was married to him, my atrocious credit would be his, just like on the Free Credit Report Dot Com commercial). For 2 days I worried myself sick, literally. Then I decided to come clean.
Me: (sobbing) Doug, I need to tell you something. I've done something awful. I've ruined out marriage. You'll never be able to love me again! I'm so sorry!
Doug: (probably freaking out thinking I'd killed somebody or had gotten myself another man or god knows what) Calm down. Stop crying. What is it?
Me: When I was in college, I charged $30 worth of groceries on a credit card because I didn't have any money and then I forgot to pay my biiiiiiill! I was delinquent one month! (hysterical sobs ensue)
Doug: (probably thinking I am going to kill your dumb butt for giving me a heart attack) What?! What are you even talking about?
Me: (still in tears and doing that horrible deep breath thing you do when you cry so hard and can't even talk because of it) I was delinquent! I've ruined your life. We'll never be able to get another loan. What if we have to fix something on the hoooouuuusssee!!!
Doug: [paraphrased] You are mental.

Episode 2: Accident in the Garage
I had a migraine for 2 days. It was one of those migraines that involves the room spinning, the lights blinding, and your lunch returning from the pits of hell. I was so sick I had to leave work early and get home. On the way home, I contemplated pulling off the road to avoid ralphing in my car, correction, in Doug's car. (I had borrowed Doogie's ride that day.)
Doug: (calling on his way to class): Hi, wife. How are you?
Me: I feel so awful. I had a bad accident in the garage.
Doug: (probably freaking out thinking I'd rammed his car through the garage door) What did you do?
Me: (embarrassed) I had a bad headache that caused me to ralph and I didn't make it out of the garage before I exploded.
Doug: [paraphrased] You are mental.

Episode 3: Major Leakage

Last night after class, Doogie (aka the best husband in the world) took me to Smashburger (yes, it was 9 o'clock and I was eating a 10000000 calorie meal, sue me). I made my selection and Douglas ordered while I ran to the little girl's room. Whilst in the restroom, I looked around for a hook from which to hang my purse. No such device was available. "Ha!" says I, "I'll just set my purse on the sink while I do my business." I commence to go about my business when all of a sudden my purse falls into the sink. The sink has one of those dadblamed automatic faucets! Water starts pouring from the faucet onto my cloth purse. I can't do anything about it, I'm mid urination! Oh Christ! My phone! My glorious phone! It is going to be destroyed. Finally, after what seemed like the world's longest wiz, I was able to run to my purse. OMGoodness. It was soaked to the bone! I picked it up and water went everywhere. Then I carried it all over the restroom; I don't know why I carried it all over the restroom. Why do I do the things I do? This could only happen to me! So, I try to save my phone (it was not even in my purse, but in my pocket), and then I start ringing out my purse. Finally, it is not leaking water anymore, so I figure I'll go on outside. I take a look at the bathroom. I have destroyed it. Water everywhere. It looks like an elephant went wee-wee in the middle of the joint. I tried to sop up some of the mess with paper towels, but those dumb things are so thin and cheap that I was just making matters worse. So, I took my wet purse and headed out. Somebody had to be alerted as to the state of that bathroom. Here it was damn near closing time and I had destroyed the place.
Me: Excuse me, ma'am.
Smashburger employee: (probably pissed because I called her ma'am, why did I call her ma'am?) Yes?
Me: I am sorry, but I have made a colossal mess in your bathroom.
Smashburger employee: (probably thinking, great, this dumb broad has ralphed all over the place and I have to go clean it up. I get paid $7.25 an hour. I hate this hag.) That's okay, honey.
Me: (yes, I really did explain the whole situation) You see, there was no hook in the bathroom, so I sat my purse on the sink.....
Smashburger employee: [paraphrased] You are mental.
SIDENOTE: That mushroom and swiss smashburger was AWESOME!

Are You Serious?

Don't judge me based on the bizarreness of my dreams:

I wish I could photoshop Bieber's head on the
Witch King's body.

Saturday night I dreamed that I was Justin Bieber's agent. However, in my dreamland, Justin Bieber was not famous for singing. No, not at all. Instead, his fame stemmed from being known as the world champion cereal mascot slayer. I was his agent and I booked his fights. Donning his suit of armor, which was a replica of the Witch King of Angmar's getup from Lord of the Rings, he slayed Sugar Bear (representin' Golden Crisp), Tucan Sam (Froot Loops), and the Captain (Crunch, ya digg). He was getting ready to fight one of the baddest dudes in town (here is where it gets even wilder), Dr. Who. Apparently, in dreamland there is also a Dr. Who cereal. But Dr. Who was not portrayed by my beloved doctor (David Tennant), he was played by *gasp!* Professor Lasky (of Saved by the Bell the College Years--you know, the prof Kelly K fell in love with)! Like that d-bag would ever be cool enough to be the doctor. At any rate, I don't know who won that epic battle--Beiber or Professor Lasky--I woke up just before show time.

And that's that. I mean, what do you really expect from a girl who had nightmares of Will Smith sacrificing her first born (Mr. Niles) to his weird scientology alien god?!

I don't think CP will ever win the trophy.

In other news, here is a replay of a for real (did not happen in dreamland) conversation we had yesterday with Day-Day:
DV: So, Doug, I hear your Bengals are actually winning games.
Doug: Yes, they've won 6.
DV: Wow. That's more than the 4 they won last year.
Doug: Yep.
DV: And didn't they just trade Peyton Manning?
(long pause as we soak in what we just heard)
AG: Are you serious?
DV: Yeah, I thought they traded their famous QB.
AG: Are you serious?
Doug: Carson Palmer, Dacian. Carson Palmer.
Dacian: Carson Palmer, Peyton Manning. Both names have 2 syllables. I was close.

Things

My toothbrush reminds me of Thing 1 and Thing 2. It has a red and white body and a blue head. I think of the Cat in the Hat and these two blockheads whilst I brush my teeth.

Christmas is only 45 days away! I have so much shopping to do. And there's my letter to Santa that I need to write. "Come and trim my Christmas tree with some decorations bought at Tiffany!"

Cats get on my nerves. Especially cats named Flash Gordon Gastright. Why is it that every morning around 6 AM, I feel little whiskers on my face? And a cold, wet nose! And why, pray tell, does he have to follow me into the bathroom and proceed to bite my leg while I go number 1? Grrr! He is so bad!


I hate school. That is all.

I hope I can find time this weekend to watch Vietnam in HD. Oh yeah, cable has been turned on for not even a week and I am already recording war documentaries. Who's cool? This gal!

Sometimes I dance in my cube. I wonder if anyone ever sees me breakin it down.

I love UK basketball. You know this. Did you see that Morehouse game? Oh! My! God! Yes, I understand it was an exhibition game, but come on! These boys are ridiculous. P.S. I love Kyle Wiltjer and his sky hook. Prepare thyself for an awesome season of basketball.

Grandpas are awesome: Once, I went to Baskin Robbins with my Pappaw. He let me choose whatever flavor I wanted. I, being an idiot child, chose bubblegum ice cream (whoever invented that flavor needs to be smacked upside the head). It was nasty. Even a stupid kid (i.e., me) couldn't eat it. But what did my heroic Pappaw do? Traded me his butter pecan straight up. Pappaws are awesome.

I know I said earlier that cats get on my nerves, but that's only every once in a while (like every damn morning). I mostly love kittens. It makes me sad when, like tonight on my way home from TBo's play (she made a great hooker, like Julia Roberts and shiz), I see a little kitty run across the street. Why isn't that little kitty in his house sleeping with most of his body (like his fat sack area) under the radiator? That's where kitties belong! Tonight when I lay down to sleep, I am going to say a little prayer for the kitties who live out on the street. Stay warm, kittens!